He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You should frame my arrest warrant.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
