i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
