he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
