I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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