I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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