everyone is single if you try hard enough
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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