I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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