Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
