Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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