no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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