I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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