Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
