Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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