where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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