Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
