Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
