Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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