Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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