An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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