I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
