You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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