two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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