Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
