Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
