I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
