You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
