Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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