I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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