Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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