He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
