guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
