I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
