Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
