then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
