I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
