I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
