I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Randomize
