I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
