Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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