I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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