Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
