it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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