You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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