you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
