I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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