I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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