after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
