I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
