I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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