3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Someone shattered a urinal.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
