I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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